Gilded Cage
by regie27
Summary: After defeating Jyoei and finally claiming back her kingdom, Youko takes a moment to reflect at the foot of her throne what it means to be a ruler.


**Gilded Cage**

A Twelve Kingdoms fanfiction by regie27

Standard disclaimers apply

"_...and the fruit fell and created the lands, the kingdoms and the thrones. The land sustains the people, the kingdom sustains the law and the throne symbolizes the virtue which is embodied in the kirin. There are Twelve kingdoms, there are Twelve kirins and there are Twelve rulers. Youko, you are one of those rulers."_

Rakushun to Youko

My sword glides in a downward path and a loud, metallic clatter follows the fall of my opponent's weapon as it lands to the ground and away from his grasp. Panicked eyes stare at me. His face pales as if he had seen a phantasm and I can notice the slight tremble in his hands.

"Leave" I say with weary voice "and never raise your weapon against the true ruler of Kei again."

The soldier's knees connect violently with the ground, his forehead almost slamming against the hard floor as he rushes to bend down in a clumsy genuflection.

"Your majesty...! I didn't know. I-I was just following orders. Please don't kill me, I beg of you!"

He forces himself to lift his head from the ground and I notice the tears that stream down his dirty, beleaguered face.

"I won't kill you. There has been too much blood already shed on Kinpa Palace. Just leave, soldier."

With a flick of my wrist, I make a dismissive gesture and the soldier, gathering the last remains of courage he had left, gets back on his feet and soon all I can see is his sprinting figure as he begins such a frantic run that he almost collides on his way out with one of my Generals. I sheath Suiguu as I approach the General. The loud racket of battle has subsided and silence commences to engulf the palace, the soothing calm broken only by the occasional wails and screams of the wounded.

"Your majesty" the officer addresses me as he bows "we have been informed by our forces that the rebellion is finally over. We have apprehended the last of Jyoei's loyalists and all the provinces are pledging their loyalty to you."

I sigh in obvious relief. This fight is finally over. "Where is the Kei Taiho?" I inquire. I realize that I haven't seen Keiki since the break of the dawn when I left to lead my forces against the remaining usurpers.

"The Kei Taiho is with the palace officials. Kinpa Palace is in a virtual state of ruin so he's making sure it is quickly restored and functional once more so it can be worthy to house the Kei ruler again."

"I see. Thank you for everything general. Let our men know that the queen is grateful for their trust and courage in battle. Also, could you please make sure we have enough healers to tend the wounded?"

"It will be done as you wish, your majesty. Should I call for servants to come to your service? You must be exhausted."

Servants, yes, that's one of the perks of royalty, isn't it, I ponder. My whole body aches from the abuse I've been putting it through from the past month, as I've slowly fought my way to my destined throne. I can't even remember the last time I had a peaceful meal or a relaxing bath. I nod with a small smile. Perhaps being a queen isn't as bad as I might had thought. If only I could make myself believe this...

My eyes wander around the majestic room I'm standing at. I have been so concentrated in the battle that I hadn't been aware of the surroundings of the place I'll call home for the rest of my life. My emerald glance suddenly finds a long staircase that seems to had seen the last of its day of splendor long ago. Atop the climb of stairs, a ornate throne stands imposing, even in the state of decay that has befallen the room.

"General, is this the throne room?"

"Yes your majesty, but as you can see, it has been sadly in a state of abandonment since the last true ruler Yo-ou died six years ago. Jyoei was too much of a coward to to dare desecrate the throne room with her mere presence, although with her disgraceful actions, she has desecrated the whole kingdom." His words were laced in deep-seethed hatred towards the impostor. He must have lost many good men in this unnecessary war and Kei had been thrown into chaos and confusion because of her actions. We all have lost so much.

"It's all over now. If you don't mind, I'll stay behind for a while. Please let the Kei Taiho know I'll be summoning him after dinner." And after I wipe the scent of blood off me, I add to myself in silence.

"As you wish, your majesty."

The strong footsteps of the general fade as he makes his departure and I turn towards the commanding throne that seems to greet me, waiting for me to take possession of it as the newly appointed ruler, as the chosen one from the Heavens. As my steps climb the steep, wooden stairs, I begin to shed the heavy armor that I've been wearing. I leave a piece of the armor every odd step up and I notice how the gleaming armor I put on in the morning now looks soiled, dull and frayed. It's deteriorated state serves as visual testimony of the countless impacts of spears and blades that it has received over the course of this fight and the blood, dust and sweat that it has splattered over me from the men that have fallen by my blade.

I reach the last step, feeling dwarfed by the chair crafted to seat a ruler. My fingers glide across the seat and when I lift them, I leave trails over the heavily dusted surface. As my hands slide over the armrests, I wonder how high the people might think of their rulers when they see them sitting in their thrones, giving an almost god-like appearance. I wonder if I'll ever look that way. As if I were rehearsing for a play, I timidly begin to slide over it, carefully as not to damage with my heavy shin guards the expensive-looking wood or the gold inlaid ornaments and I come to sit on it's edge.

The dwarfing sensation I felt before is augmented now, intermingled with the insecurities I haven't been able to push away since Keiki first revealed that I was a queen. The throne is so large that I need to extend my arms to reach each armrest. I must look like a little girl sitting in an adult's chair. And then it hits me. How am I supposed to command respect when I can't even look regal sitting in my throne? A dreadful thought arises from inside my soul: am I as insufficient to lead Kei as I am to fit this throne? Will I be able to fill this daunting position as it is expected? Barely mere months ago, I was just a schoolgirl leading a simple life, content with the responsibilities a girl my age was obligated to fulfill, struggling to please everybody but myself, searching for the real me amidst the myriad of masks I wore for the sake of others. Today, I have a country that desperately seeks guidance and wisdom. People that ask for a steady hand and wisdom of the mind and heart to lead Kei to prosperity and peace. Now I, Nakajima Youko, I'm responsible for the lives and destinies of thousands, from the farmers who tend the land to the humble servant who pours my tea. I would have never fathom to have been handed such a responsibility and I feel ill-equipped to suddenly carry this weight, this oppressive weight that menaces to crush me and the fate of a whole country along with me.

My hand instinctively grips Suiguu's hilt tightly as if I were to begin another battle, but this battle is with myself. This is a fight that I cannot wage, much less win with the sharpened edge of a sword. Air escapes my lungs as I feel my heart beating faster. My shoulders slump forward and I fight to push down the lump that has materialized in my throat. I know this feeling well, for it has accompanied me faithfully all along my travails in this new and still unknown land. It is fear, fear of my own inadequacy to rightfully fit this role, of my incompetence to be what a ruler must be. I lack so much yet so much is expected from me! A tear slips down my tainted cheek as I lift one hand towards my face.

Then, from the recesses of my memories, I can hear En-ou's encouraging voice echo in my mind. I can see Rakushun gently reassuring me with words filled with kindness and wisdom. I can see Keiki renewing his sacred vow of loyalty to me when I rescued him from Jyoei's forces. These are the voices of those who ask me to believe that I am the rightful queen, that I have been fated by Tentei for this, but how can I erase in the blink of an eye years of insecurities, of fear, of cowardice? Their voices return to me again, coaxing me to leave my fears behind and to believe in myself.

"Be confident. Just behave like you know you deserve to be the Queen."

"Just trust the kirin; after all he's the one who chose you to be the Queen."

"When you don't know what to do, just do what you're destined to."

Gathering my breath, I lift my head and wipe the tears. I realize that there's no point in dwelling in what has already been fated by Tentei and the will of the Heavens. Yes, I was chosen and that's a reality I cannot change. I cannot avoid my destiny and I cannot run away from it, lest I wish to sacrifice Keiki's life and my own. I might not fit this throne but nonetheless, I've been called to occupy it. This girl with her inexperience and ignorance and insecurities will be the one sitting here from today on and she shall be called the Queen. This old and dirty throne is my inheritance and my gilded cage, for I cannot return to who I I used to be or to where I came from. This is my reality, my burden and I shall claim it because it is my destiny.

With Suiguu, the symbol of my mandate across my lap, I decide to properly seat in the throne. I'm not in the edge anymore, my body now leans comfortably against the huge backrest. I remain in silence as I think of all the rulers that preceded me and how they might have felt when they took seat in this same throne for the very first time. They were average people like me until a kirin called upon them. Their successes and failures have been dutifully recorded so I do not make the same mistakes again. The Heavens bestowed their trust in them and now that trust has been given to me. I bring Suiguu from it's sheath as I vow in silence to give my all to become the ruler my people need and to build them a worthy kingdom. That's the least I can do for all the sacrifices that have been made in my sake, for all the lives that have been lost, for the anguish my parents have experienced since I've been gone, for what I'm about to give and for what I have lost to become who I am today.

I am Nakajima Youko. I am Sekishi and I am the Queen of Kei. This is my kingdom and I claim this throne. May the Heavens bestow their favor upon us.

_Fin_

Author's Notes:

This story is based on the last Episode of "Shadow of the Moon, the Sea of Shadow." The image of Youko sitting in her throne after winning back Kei from Jyoei's forces hit me so hard I knew I had to write about it. This is my first fanfic venture for Twelve Kingdoms and I hope that I have honored this great story with this little ficlet of mine.


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